Dear Catie

I wanted to find pictures, to write more of the memories, and more of the feelings. But getting to the funeral has required a lot of arranging, so none of that today. I wrote her a letter the day before she passed away because I wanted to let her know how great she was to me. I'm pretty sure she never read it, but I know she knows what it says. I'm posting it because for lack of time to write other things, it is my tribute to her.

Dear Catie,

I was taking a Sunday afternoon nap just now, and I had a dream that we were all sitting around in someone’s room talking, just like back in the day. You were cheerful and funny, and we were having a great time. Someday we’ll recreate that for real. The dream kicked me into action – I’ve been wanting to write you and tell you how great you are.

When I first got to BYU, I was pretty scared. I went down for honors orientation, but after I woke up and got dressed the first day, I almost didn’t go. Then, I met the nicest girl from Tennessee. I think she caught me trying to put some volume into my sadly limp hair. She and her dad were both super nice, and it was exciting to be with her all day as she would often exclaim, “I can’t believe all these people are Mormon!” Saved my day, and made me feel like I might actually make it.

So many memories, it’s fun to think. So many nights talking, So many nights talking way too late, Thanksgiving in Preston (my parents still love you), going to the football games, getting kidnapped to go to the Mo for my birthday breakfast, the infamous spelling bee, the Dallin Anderson fan club, doing the ‘N Sync dance, Stop in the Name of Love, swimming at the RB, buying a Christmas tree, enjoying the Jello you would always make, having an apartment hoe-down to your fiddle music . . . I thought of more the other day. It seems like a long time ago, but it was such an important time of my life. The time when I was trying to figure out how to be on my own, and I’m convinced the Lord gave me great friends to get me through it.

I know I never told anyone at the time, but the summer between freshman and sophomore year was extremely difficult for me. When I got back to school the whole thing was weighing on me and bringing out all of my other insecurities. It was no secret I was struggling, but I don’t even think I fully understood everything going on inside my head. But through the whole thing, you were kind and caring towards me. I remember one night you were typing a paper and I was laying on the floor for some reason. I don’t remember at all what we talked about, but I do remember feeling like someone cared. Enough that it's stuck with me. Going to Taiwan and then later to BYU-Hawaii were amazing experiences for me that shaped a lot of who I am, and I’m glad I went those places. However, it’s always made me a little sad that I wasn’t able to come back to Provo to be with you and the other girls. That’s okay, like I said, someday.

I was looking at the “We Love Catie” website a while back, and noticed a line at the top I haven’t noticed since the first time I logged on a couple of years ago. It basically says that the site is to cheer you on as you “fight and win your current battle with cancer.” I was kind of discouraged thinking about it, because it seemed at the time that the cancer was starting to win. This rolled over in my brain for a while, until it hit me on Christmas Eve as I was pondering the meaning of the holiday. The cancer can’t win. No matter what happens, the cancer can’t win because the Savior already beat it. Thank you so much for sharing all of your insights and your beautiful family with everyone during this struggle you’re having. I am trying really hard not to take little things for granted, like taking care of my children, as you have so often mentioned. Thank you so much.

Know that I love you, and I think about and pray for you and your family often.

Love,
Emily

P.S. To anyone who read this and wants to know what happened, her husband wrote a synopsis at http://www.steve-catie.blogspot.com/. Also, I loved what my friend Krista wrote here and here. I put the links even though the first one contains photos of me circa 1997. :) And yes, I knew she was dying when I wrote about someday. I know there are plenty of somedays.