I found this letter recently, and I hope it's long enough ago that it's okay if I publish it (almost 2 years ago on a blog . . .) I have felt really strongly lately that I need to keep track of our family history, and I feel like stuff like this shows what I was thinking a feeling at the time. So, if you get this off the RSS feed, ignore.
Hi Ashley!
Hope you are having a great week! I am jealous that you have a basement. I really want a place to send the kids and toys where people can't see the second they walk in my door. That's okay, I feel pretty lucky to have a house, so welcome to my mess!
I took a parenting class at BYU where one of the things we talked about was how we were parented. Oh, goodness, a ton of people in that class had stories of things they had to overcome. Doesn't make it any easier for you, but sometimes it's good to know you're not alone. My mom always talks about me being her "experiment" because I was her first child, and she apologizes to me, but whatever. No one is perfect, and no matter what, I always felt loved. That's the most important thing, that I have always known she loved me, even if there was a day she yelled at me a lot. I really don't remember a lot of those, because none of them matter to me. If you're doing you're best, your children will feel that, and it IS a step in the right direction that the hole is in the wall. You can't just erase your past or change your inner feelings with a snap of your fingers, but you can do your best to consciously make sure you don't do things you'll regret. It's a huge thing! I truly believe also that as you try hard and pray for the atonement to help overcome your weaknesses you will be granted more patience, little by little. The steps are small, but when you look back after a few years I know you'll see a lot of progress.
Yes, I was a kindergarten teacher for 3 years. I had a hard time when we first moved to this house and suddenly I was a stay-at-home mom. I loved being with Josh more often, and seeing all of the growth he was making, but I didn't really know what to do and I didn't have anyone to talk to for most of the day. I missed having something I could really sink my teeth into, and I felt bad that I didn't get a chance to keep making improvements as a professional. I started going to play group and enrichment as much as I could to try and get to know people, and little by little I started to have people to talk to. As for talking to the neighbors first, I realized after a while that I couldn't just wait around for people to come to me. I have actually just started to try to get to know new people more, and as I think about things to do for people, just in the last couple of weeks I've thought of more than I can actually do. Every time I go out and say hi to a new person I come back feeling better. I had an idea a while back that Josh and I could make cookies together and then go deliver them to meet new people. I like doing that, except I've realize that cooking and delivering has to happen on two separate days for us. I always go to the local library to see when story time is for something to do. Turns out, here in Tooele county, they run on volunteers, so I volunteered to do story time every now and then. I also signed Josh up for a music class. It was fun, and it gave me ideas. I went home and took some toilet paper tubes (the cardboard in the middle), filled them with various things (rice and dried beans), and taped cardstock on the ends. Voila, shakers! Then, I took empty oatmeal containers (not instant, the oats that come in cardboard cylinders with plastic lids), and taped the lids down. Drums! We turn on music and dance around and play our instruments. Josh loves it. Now that it's nice outside we go to the park more often than other stuff. I try to ask someone to come with us, although it doesn't always happen.
Having activities to do helps, but I am also trying to change my heart/attitude. I got a strong feeling last year that as long as I read my scriptures and exercise I will feel good. When I do well with those things I do well overall, so I know that was personal revelation for me. Sometimes I do better than others, but I try to make goals. You know, just try. My husband comes from a family of 10 children. I asked my mother in law (who lives in LA, where my husband is from, and I love her) how she survived. She said she just had to make up her mind to devote her life to her children. I'm trying to take that advice to heart. It changes my attitude from, "Why can't you just sleep!" to, "Okay, I'll read and sing to you for as long as you need." Don't think I'm there yet, I'm really far away, but it helps to try to think that way.
I haven't been in contact with Sister Chaston for a while, although I think about her. I went to her bridal shower, and haven't seen her face to face since then. I'm going to try to get in touch again. Elders Ibiam and Perkins have beautiful wives and cute little children (2 each, I think), Elder Kreitzer passed away, and I would love to hear what Wolfensberger is doing. Deeds, too. I talk with two of my companions you wouldn't know (Leek and Onstott), and have recently been thinking of all of them.
Well, speaking of LA, my husband is a huge Dodgers fan, and they're doing well tonight. Hope my email isn't too rambly as I try to think in spite of it!
Love ya,
Emily
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