You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy . . .

. . . but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for. I don't know why you might be looking for one, but I had to finish the song before dispensing my news . . . which is that we found out this week that we are expecting a baby on November 2! Yes, I am excited for real, although it doesn't seem real at this point. I know it in my head, but I don't know that the whole thing has sunk in really. I tried to look up the progression of my baby on the internet, to see if it would make it seem more real to me. I learned that my baby is the size of a sesame seed and consists of three layers of cells. That wasn't as endearing as I'd hoped.

I have debated what I'll say to people about this. Even at this moment I'm typing a post that I don't plan to publish for quite a long time, and it may not be the same words by then. (It's March 1 right now.) This baby (I'm thinking it's probably a boy) will be 17 months younger than Noah. People tend to think things about that, and while it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks, this has been, and will continue to be, a period of spiritual trying and growth for me. I thought it would be more uplifting for me and everyone if I shared these feelings rather than field the, "Oops!" comments and questions.

When Noah was a little over a week old, I felt way better than expected. After feeling terrible for SO long after Josh's birth, I was elated to find I had survived my first day of taking care of two children. The house was clean (my mom had just left), my boys were beautiful and precious, my husband was wonderful . . . it was one of those moments where everything was right and my heart was about to burst with gratitude and joy. As I knelt down to thank my Father in Heaven, I had an impression that I could do this (have a baby) again soon, as in kids about a year and a half apart. Then, the next day a terrible infection hit me hard and landed me in the E.R., life happened, and then I forgot about the whole thing. But Heavenly Father did not.

Throughout the last 9 months (that is how old Noah is), I have had various things happen to me where the idea was brought back to my mind. Usually this was accompanied by me saying, "Am I crazy, having this stuff come into my head? I'm not that good at doing what I already do!" Some of the experiences are long and/or too sacred to me to share in this forum, but one I don't mind writing was a dream. In the dream Noah had a twin, but I had lost the twin. I was so sad, looking all over and realizing it was my fault the twin was missing. Just as I was about to wake up, I realized it wasn't a twin, but a baby not too much younger than Noah. This really stuck in my mind, and joining that with all of the other things (many which are more significant than that), we decided to say that we were willing to have another baby if the Lord wanted to send one. Apparently he wants to.

In the weeks where I was waiting to find out whether or not I was pregnant, I felt I was going nuts. Scared it would happen, scared it wouldn't. A major rollercoaster of emotions that had me constantly on-edge. When we finally found out the news, a calm came over me, and lasted for an entire week. I honestly felt sooo much better, even though thinking about it for real lead to lots of inadequate feelings. I know that peace is from above, and that even though I don't feel organized enough to do it all, I know that it's the right thing for our family right now. I know that we have enough love, and all of the other things I feel like I don't have enough of will work out. I am excited to meet this little person Heavenly Father feels is so important to send. But I am also excited to enjoy my boys (all three of them) this summer, and spend as much time as possible together before things change.

P.S., at publishing time:

Okay, so I'm leaving it that way. If someone takes the time to read it, they can know the information, I say. I'm still nervous for everyone to know (I've just felt so private about this baby), but I'm running out of things to wear. And yes, I do know now that it's a boy. I am a part of a study on pre-term birth (Josh was a day pre-term, so they want me in), and as part of the study I got an ultrasound the other day. Even though I am just under 17 weeks right now, they could tell. I was happy and smiling at that ultrasound the whole time. Must be meant to be. Exciting!